London Larks: Your weekly humour fill, from Christmas trees to Oasis | Evening Standard

London Larks: Your weekly humour fill, from Christmas trees to Oasis | Evening Standard

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply. It is a truth universally acknowledged that anyone on a shopping trip must be in want of a free sample. Some of us, though, love a free sample so much that we abandon any desire to check what we’re actually putting in our mouth. A quick swoop of the hand and it’s gone, down the gullet in less time than it takes a dog to steal an unwatched sausage. One TikTok user learnt this the hard way after visiting a Lush shop and mistakenly eating soap. “Jackiegansky” – who, it seems, had never visited a Lush shop before (either that or she was just exceptionally hungry) – gleefully reached for a small cube before placing it straight in her mouth and chewing. A horrified sales assistant screams “oh no, no, no – it’s soap!” – before succumbing to shock and simply staring, eyes wide in horror, hands clutched over his mouth as if fearing he might somehow be tempted to follow suit. Jackie, on the other hand, seems remarkably unfazed by the incident, though she did make sure to warn her followers: “lush is soap btw.” Ah, Christmas in London. The twinkling lights, the packed pubs, the hearty helpings of festive cynicism. Londoners were as cutting as ever about the Trafalgar Square Christmas tree this week, gifted generously by Norway each year only to be met with scathing disdain from its intended recipients. Social media was alight with, ahem, praise. “Have we gone to war with Norway?” one asked. “Interflora clearly forgot to include the little sachet of plant feed,” added another. Others were confident there was an explanation for the “sparseness” of the tree, suggesting that “only half of it had arrived” and the rest would follow shortly. Dedicated football fans, however, suspected a different motive, pointing to the recent departure of a certain Manchester United manager. “Norway has not taken the sacking of Ole Gunnar Solskjaer well.” Speaking of Christmas trees, possibly the most quintessentially Austrian thing to have ever happened occurred earlier this week. The country was plunged into a strict lockdown, but the rules were soon altered ever so slightly to explicitly permit the sale of Christmas trees. Because nothing says Christmas like squashing all members of your household and a giant tree into one room. And in lockdown of a different sort, guests at the Tan Hill Inn in the Yorkshire Dales faced many people’s worst nightmare thanks to Storm Arwen – finding themselves snowed into the pub for days with nothing but an Oasis tribute band for company. Now, don’t get us wrong – we like Oasis as much as the next person. But as anyone who’s ever stayed at a party too long will understand, their songs have a tendency to be slightly…overplayed. There were probably some parallels at the pub. The lights start turning off, the guitars come out – you try and say your goodbyes but you Know It’s Too Late, and suddenly you’re trapped in an endless loop of Wonderwall and Don’t Look Back in Anger (which it becomes increasingly difficult to do). You try to Roll With It, you try to Slide Away – but the party seems as though it’s going to Live Forever so you give up, sit back, and tell yourself to Stop Crying Your Heart Out. You’ll leave in an hour, definitely. Maybe.
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